Amendment to Teacher Handbook

In case your door lock breaks, and you are trapped in a classroom with 34 middle school students:

1. Don't panic. This very rarely helps.

2. Instruct students to stop screaming.

3. Phone the office. Get voicemail of clerk who has gone home for the day. Phone alternate number and beg for someone from maintenance or janitorial.

4. Wait. Convince students that banging on the tiny rectangle of reinforced glass is unnecessary.

5. Wave to crowd gathered outside.

6. Phone the office again. Wonder if secretary's giggling is related to your specific situation.

7. Vaguely recall someone from maintenance asking if door was working properly. Vaguely recall saying, "Sure! Everything's good."

8. Say prayer of thanks when janitor arrives, tugs on door knob, and proposes the only logical solution: the window.

9. Line students up single file to jump out of window, emergency fire-drill style. Hope that no one is putting this on You Tube.

10. After clicking heels together three times to no avail, climb on top of counter, pass belongings out the window, and jump. Be sure to stick the landing, throw your arms in the air and pronounce your stunt a perfect 10.

Repeat as necessary.